Cool story, bro. Tell it again.

My ‘Dream Job’ in Paris… What Really Went Down…

So, I’ve talked to you guys about why I made the decision to return to Houston, but I never told y’all what my job description entailed… First of all, there was no typical day – it seemed like schedules were constantly changing. You either had to adapt or…

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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDKOraZrLzQ&w=580&h=357]

I come on my knees
To lay down before you
Bringing all that I am
Longing only to know you
Seeking your face
And not only your hand
I find you embracing me
Just as I am

And I lift these songs
To you…

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It’s true, I’m supernaturally regenerated.

I know a lot of you are quite puzzled, wondering, “Are you back in Houston (permanently)? What happened to Paris?! She was only there for two months!” So rather than repeat the reasons why a million times, I’ll attempt to delineate them here. I know I…

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One of my best friends asked me what I thought about her long-term relationship, and I was very honest, but tactful, as a best friend should be. In thinking about what I want now or in a future relationship from my various, different, but somewhat limited experiences, I’ve come up with a few questions that I ask myself (all, more or less, equally important, so they’re in no particular order):

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1) Does he have the ‘basics’ in place? Does he have my Top 3, 5, or 10 qualities that are absolute must haves? (Does he have a quality that I absolutely dislike? ie. extremely messiness / dirtiness… If so, it might be a deal breaker!)

2) When I’m with him, do I always feel like I can be myself?

3) Do I like who I am when I’m with him? Does he encourage me to be a better version of myself? Can I learn and grow from him? (Can he learn and grow from me?)

4) Does he believe I can do anything? Does he support and encourage my dreams? Is he excited for me?

5) In 2, 3, and 5 years out, is he involved in my hobbies? Do we like a lot of the same things (interests, activities etc.)? Will we be able to hang out as best friends over the weekend?

6) Do we have the same values, political beliefs, religious beliefs etc.? (If not, is it going to be a big issue?)

7) Have we had discussions about finances (loans, mortgages) and child rearing (education, religion, activities)? 

8) Does he get along with my family? Do I get along with his family?

9) Do we communicate well? Can we set aside our differences / pride and sacrifice for the other?

10) How does he handle conflict and change?

11) Do I feel like he’s going through the motions as a significant other, like saying all the ‘right’ things because he’s supposed to? Or is everything he does for me an act of genuine care and concern?

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There’s one guy that I’ve always liked ever since I met him. I loved who I was when we spent time together because I could always be myself - the best version of myself. We could talk about anything and everything, and if we did ever stop talking, it was never awkward. We could be in the same room and go about our business from a quiet confidence in each others’ existence. When we hung out, he was always super thoughtful and caring, sharing what he had with me (food, stories etc). I met his family, and I’m pretty sure they liked me! LOL. Most importantly, he believed I could do anything. I don’t think he knows that I’ve always had the biggest crush on him…

Anyway, the list is not completely exhaustive, but it’s a good starting place to evaluate whether or not your long-term relationship or future (long-term) relationship will lead to a lasting partnership. Of course, to get someone amazing, you, yourself, have to either give first or reciprocate - you can’t just take, take, take!

Lew

My friend recently posted, and I quote: “These engagement/marriage notices in the corner of my newsfeed are making it increasingly difficult to rationalize my dreams of prolonged bachelorhood.”

I replied: “They’re not deterring my plans in the slightest! Marriage in five years, kids in seven. Sounds great!” For me, there are SO many things I want to do before I ‘settle down’.

I have to admit, being ‘LinkedIn’ makes me feel like a bit of a failure. People have these great careers as ‘Senior Analysts’ having moved up in their companies. Others have already / are in / are going back to grad school, med school, law school etc. 

Me? I’m taking a breather. I went big, then I went home, so to speak. I’ve been on over drive since I before I can remember, probably since I was 14. I don’t regret the life I’ve lived nor the things I’ve done, experiences I’ve had, or people I’ve met. I’ve been extremely lucky / blessed. 

But I think it’s time to slow down. It’s time tune out all the hustle and bustle of external expectations and listen to what my heart wants to do. I need to do what I want to do, not what my parents want me to do, not what my friends think I should do, not what society expects me to do. I need to do what will make me happy.

I heard a speech a while back where the speaker cautioned its listeners to take their time in selecting a path for their lives. He likened their livelihood to a ladder leaning on a wall - a metaphor for whatever is important. What if all these years you’ve been scurrying up the ladder to make it to the top, only to find at the end of the day, the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall?? Then what???

My friend brought up a good point, one that I had already been thinking about: experience / degrees has/have a shelf-life, meaning it will be difficult to find a job if I’m not keeping my resume current with professional experience. And I very much understand that lack of professional experience could adversely affect my ‘career’ in the future; however, I’m not willing to avoid risk or be pressured by external factors for the sake of padding my resume if those jobs won’t make me happy. Sometimes you’ve just got to do what you want to do and trust that everything will work out.

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Ideally, I’d want to work in my current job until December and save a lot of money, then move to Paris for a year and a half to learn French while simultaneously saving more money (and cooking). By the time I’m 27, I’d have a good amount of money saved, know another language, and be in the position to start a business. (IMHO, I’d also have all the skills necessary to start and maintain a family.)

Hopefully my business will be successful, and then when I’m more financially stable, I’ll be in a position to start settling down: buying a dog, meeting someone new or reconnecting with an old friend, getting engaged / married, and starting a family.

As far as what I want for a job: I want to love what I do; I want to be my own boss; I want to make all the decisions; I want to set my own schedule; I want to help other people and make a difference; I want to be able to travel for a couple of weeks during the summer; and oh, I want to wear jeans to work. 

With my current idea — my three BHP friends have given me their approval - they think it’s a very good idea with a lot of potential! — what I want in a job is completely possible. Of course I know that starting a business will require A LOT of blood, sweat, and tears. But I’ve got about 2-3 years to generate ideas, plan, develop materials etc. 

I’m very hopeful for the future… :)

Lew

I know. I’m just 25. And most of my close girl friends are in the same boat. Around my age, accomplished, working professionals, some with boyfriends, some without, but none are married nor have children. I don’t anticipate any of us having kids in the very near future (ie a year or so from now). 

But lately, my mommy gene is off the charts. And I want a kid. No, not a real kid, not quite yet. I have to find the right guy first…! I’m talking about a faux kid - like a dog. 

I tried the whole mommy dearest thing with a beagle pup four years ago, and I failed miserably. (Don’t ask.) However, I think in a few years I’ll be (financially) stable, mature, and responsible enough to have my very own baby (pup). 

I am super excited about playing with my girl, training my doll face to do cool tricks, giving her the best care possible (food, exercise, loving, dog friend company), running errands with her etc. IMHO, having a dog is a good way to ease into real motherhood, and I’m so excited!

Oh, what dog do I want? A BOSTON TERRIER! Why? It seems like the PERFECT dog for me. It’s a small to medium-sized dog weighing no more than about 25 lbs., so I can pick her up and carry her if need be. BTs personalities are AMAZING! They’re so friendly and affectionate. They get along with other animals and kids. They’re smart and highly trainable. They don’t bark, although they do snore. And look at how cute they are!

And for names? Either some French, Hawaiian, or Texan name! (Like Sophie, Kona, or Austin symbolizing places I’ve been and experiences I’ve had.) I’ll probably get my girl a male friend one day, too.

How could you not want to wake up to that face???

Lew

It’s been a while since I’ve been involved with anyone, actually a long while, and most of that time had been on purpose, so I could pursue other opportunities. During a brief lull in my jam-packed life, something just crept up on me. And even though it didn’t work out, I learned a lot.

1) Long distance can work if both parties are 100% on board.

For months, we talked every single day either by phone, text, and skype (or some combination). If both people are invested in communicating and sharing their lives, even the most mundane stuff, a relationship can flourish.

2) Communication is extremely important.

I always say, “I’m not a mindreader, so if you want me to know something, you’re going to have to tell me.” And that works both ways. I was pretty vocal about my needs and wants. Good feedback I received: He always knew what to expect from me. In fact, good communication on both of our ends, for the most part, kept us together for as long as it did. (He lived on the West Coast while I was back home.)

3) You have to pursue each others’ interests - not operate individually in a relationship of two. 

It was always understood that he’d do what was best for him. And I’d do what was best for me. The problem is that when you pursue your own interests, there’s no room for a we or us; there’s just a you and I who function independently. At some point in time, someone has to give a little, then the other has to reciprocate as well.

4) You have to enter in with the same expectations. And perhaps step back and pull out when you sense hesitancy.

5) Guys who really like you, like head-over-heels-for-you-like you, will do just about anything for you - like crazy stuff. If they like you, doing stuff for you won’t seem like a chore - they’ll want to do it. 

He told me all the wonderful stuff he did for his past couple of girlfriends. Throughout us talking, I’m 99.9% positive I wasn’t getting a fraction of the stuff I knew he was capable of giving (not just monetary gifts, but thoughtful, creative gifts). I knew in my heart that I’d never be on the receiving end. Yet, I do believe that guys, when they really like a girl, will do crazy stuff for her, and love doing those things, too. He just has to think she’s ‘it’ and ‘special’.

6) I’m capable of deeply loving and caring for someone, and one day, I’ll have a lasting, crazy, stupid, love for someone. And I’m hopeful someone will reciprocate that affection.

I really loved him. Not the in-love-with-him, want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-him love, but a kind of love that really cared about his well-being. He was my best friend for a while. I wanted to be a part of his life, and I wanted him to be a part of my life. And when things fizzled out, my heart broke, for the first time ever.

7) Don’t give your heart to someone who doesn’t reciprocate.

You love because you want to, not because you expect anything in return. However, when it’s more one-sided, it drains you, and it’s simply not sustainable. You can’t have a relationship by yourself.

In all of my past experiences, I gave more than I received. Guys came back with apologies saying they were sorry for having taken me for granted when I was so good to them. I’m still trying to figure out a way to not necessarily ‘take more’ - that’s not really me - but not accept bare minimum effort or something significantly less than what I’m giving or something less than I deserve… Something along those lines.

8) Someone’s past most certainly affects their present and future.

I don’t know what happened between him and his ex. I didn’t ask, and I honestly don’t care to know. It’s none of my business. But I do think that he must’ve been really hurt, which made him overly cautious with me or whoever came next, for that matter. If my analysis is true, it’s a good lesson for me moving forward. Everyone gets hurt, but you can’t close yourself off to the possibility of something great with someone else. (Even if my speculation isn’t true, it’s still a good lesson!)

9) Walls don’t come down unless they take them down. And guess what? You shouldn’t have to go through or climb over one. If they’re not letting you in, you won’t get in.

See above and below.

10) I’m worth a whole bunch.

For a good while, a lot of me felt inadequate. I felt like I was trying to convince him of my worth, and it felt like running on a treadmill, and I’d never be able to get off. Through it all, I realized I could only be myself, no more, no less. 

11) If you haven’t labeled anything—if he’s not your boyfriend, and you’re not his girlfriend—then you can’t expect anything.

I think a lot of my feelings of inadequacy stemmed from being insecure with what we were. I remember asking myself, “How much longer before he actually commits? Is he ever going to commit? It’s already been a few, four, five months!” We never defined anything. People, especially women, like feeling secure. You’ll always feel insecure if you don’t know where you stand, whether labeled or unlabeled. And it’s hard to expect anything when you don’t even know what you are.

12) You can’t depend on someone to make you happy; you have to be happy being alone until you no longer have to be alone.

For whatever reason(s), things don’t always work out. When we were hanging out, I was really, really happy. When it ended, I wasn’t bitter or angry, but rather really sad and hurt. I know those feelings aren’t going to last forever. I’ve been single for 25 years, and I’ve done a pretty good job of taking care of myself. And one day, I will be happy being with someone. But for now, I can be happy on my own.

13) The ultimate realization: If a guy really, truly likes you, he’ll make it happen; y’all will be together. 

I think a lot of girls ask themselves, “Was it me? Was it something I did wrong? What could I have done differently?” While it is always advisable to work on yourself, to better yourself, to change because you want to; the real truth is that he didn’t change for you because he just wasn’t that into you. And there probably wasn’t anything you could’ve done differently to have made him like you (more/better/mo better) either. I hate to be blunt, but guys are never too busy to get what they want. They find it very satisfying to get something they want. If he’s already gone, you have your answer. Even if he’s not ‘gone’, the solution is still the same. It’s in your best interest to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move on. 

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I think the overall experience was good. I certainly learned a lot about myself and how I want to move forward. However, I don’t think it was completely necessary. Like, not having the experience wouldn’t have necessarily prevented me from having a subsequent successful relationship.

I’m proud of myself for trying, though, allowing myself to feel and open up to someone. I just have to be careful moving forward, but not too careful.

Lew

With Valentine’s Day, or Happy Singles’ Awareness Day, fast approaching, I felt compelled to address some “love” related issue in this week’s post. I wrestled between writing about this and sex, and I decided this topic would be the better option. Because with the latter, people would read my prudish arguments, and probably want to burn me at the stake or at least send me hate (e-)mail. So rather than incur ridicule - save it for another day, people! - lets have a mature, frank, and introspective conversation, and I’ll spare you the birds and bees speech. Ca-peesh?

With the departure of my friend to Shanghai, where she teaches English - I told you my friends were bad-asses - I picked up her gift, “Girls in Trucks,” which she saved from the Half Price book bin just in the nick of time. Reading through the book, I felt immense pity for the protagonist. IMHO, she’s confused, insecure, and self-destructive. She lets one of her boyfriends physically and mentally abuse her - huh?!??! - until she feels numb, used, empty, and all washed-up from her long list of crazed escapades. Her older sister who used to protect her from guys, remarks, “No offense, but what’s left to protect?” Ouch.

I’m not judging this fictional character or her decisions. (She kind of gets her fairytale ending…? Although she goes through A LOT of heartache in 35 years.) However, I am exercising judgment, which is defined as: “the ability to come to sensible conclusions.” I think any rational person would agree that self-destructive behavior is not beneficial to the individual (“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”). I also think it’s fair to say that everyone wants to be in a happy and healthy relationship.

What’s the key to a happy and healthy relationship? The answer is simpler than you think: It’s a happy and healthy YOU.

Now I’m not telling you anything you haven’t heard before - I’m just the white figure standing on your left shoulder, pleading with you to do the right thing: to love yourself. And if that’s not working, here’s some tough love, which, I, btw, told myself: “Get your sh*t together because ain’t nobody gonna love and respect you if you don’t love and respect yourself first!”

“But, Christine, I don’t really know what else to do other than what I’m doing now.” I think the answer lies in knowing what you want, then living your life with passion and purpose (coupled with good-decision making / making your own luck).

If you’re 1) insecure and jealous, 2) have no life direction / interests / hobbies, or 3) relying on someone to complete you and make you whole, you are setting yourself up for disaster. However, if you’ve got goals, love life, accept / love / respect yourself, if you’re learning, growing, bettering yourself, and adding to this world, not only are you (blossoming into) a healthy individual, but you’re EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE. Everyone will be lining up to date you. That’s a guarantee.

Still not convinced? Another side effect of loving and respecting yourself, besides gaining self-confidence and positive self-image, is that you won’t accept anything less than what you think you deserve. In turn, this attitude will cue others / your significant other to treat you equally well.

By no means am I a relationship expert - I have yet to have one serious / long-term relationship - however, I am smart enough to learn from my mistakes in my “faux” relationships as well as from my friends’ mistakes. It’s taken me almost 25 years - AHH! I’ll be in my mid-20s in two and a half months! - to amass some “wisdom.”

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married, it is time for redemption and reclaiming your dignity. A healthy person + another healthy person = a possibility of a healthy relationship. Anything else before the equal sign will most likely be detrimental to you (and your significant other) and end in grief.

Your job? Get out there and start doing what you love and believe that someone will come along. Being the person you want to be will attract the kind of person you want to be with. Or, if you’re already in a relationship, working on yourself will only strengthen the relationship - your relationship will flourish, just like those pretty flowers you’re set to receive in two days.

Lew