Cool story, bro. Tell it again.

About a month ago, I met up with a good guy friend from college. One of our favorite topics of conversation has always been relationships. As I began to tell him about my reasons for online dating and my experiences on numerous dates, he and his friend jokingly chimed in with snarky remarks and questions, almost doubling over in laughter. Always being the instigator of all things in my love-life (or lack thereof), my friend prompted me to write a blog post about my experiences.

These are my findings… lets start off with the bad:

———————-

“Hey, whats up? Your pretty / cute / gorgeous / hot. Chat sometime?” Or “Hey, what’s up? (Umm, NM U? #wtf)

(In response to my ice breaker question) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go, with who, for how long, and why?

“Japan, you, a month, fun.”

Umm, we’ve never met, but okay…

And a bolder one…

“I’d travel with you to my bedroom because ur hot until we were both tired. Does that answer your question?”

What do you say that? Answer: Nuh, nuh, nuh NOTHING.

———————-

And it just gets better!

“And I totes 100% completely believe that your computer crashed, you lost most of your pictures, and you weren’t able to fix it . If true, that’s very unstereotypically-Asian of you. I bet you’re a great driver, too.”

Thanks for insulting my driving, douchebag. (Even though it’s meant as a joke, you don’t know me at all. Why would you think that’s appropriate??)

———————-

Another winner…

His profile starts out – and I’m doing this from memory, seeing as he probably blocked me since I never responded? – “I value intelligence above all else, so if you’re not smart, you might as well move on. I have a Type-A personality…” He proceeds to say that he has bookshelves upon bookshelves filled with books.

His e-mail to me read:

“My name is (insert name here) (yes, I know, it is very ethnic)… and now I don’t know what to say. 



Well, let me make this easy for me. You look awesome on paper. From the places you’ve lived (Paris was too expensive for my tastes), your exercise habits (I’m a bit of a gym rat), to your books. Let me focus on that. Malcolm Gladwell x2?! seriously? I enjoy Oscar Wilde… 

I feel like I’m rambling.

I want you to tell me more about you. I’d like for you to tell me more about you. 

I hope to hear from you. 

Cheers, 

(insert name here)”

———————-

And another one that is supposed to be funny but really makes no sense…?!

“Hey little miss (insert my username here),

Either you’re just using that name to hide from the police, or your parents were awful cruel to you. Anyway, you’ve probably gotten a few dozen e-mails from guys who are freshly divorced from their eighth wife, have five bratty kids, a sexy picture of an overly hairy-back on their profile, and who just got promoted to flipping burgers at McDonald’s. Either that or you’re being hit on by the geriatrics who discovered the Internet and Metamucil at that same time and are feeling as virile as a 20-year-old.

Well, I’m not going to spend too much time talking about myself, but I’m good-looking, muscular, funny, exciting, adventurous, cool, a real man’s man – the kind of man other men want to be, and women wasn’t to be with! But most of all, out of everything else, my best trait is… I’m modest. :-)

So if you’re looking to further your career at McDonald’s, or think that liver spots are really, really hot, then I’m not the guy for you. But if you want to meet up and have a great time and some great conversation, then we should get together. If you think you can handle it, that is!

Talk soon,”

———————- 

Umm, what?!??! How would you respond to these e-mails? Oh, you wouldn’t? In fact, I didn’t. None of these “holla atcha girl” got any responses. Why? Because they’re full of poor grammar and spelling; they’re not thoughtful, they’re inappropriate, and SO off-putting! Ahhhhh!!!!

Now lets find a GOOD one…

———————- 

“Hi!

Just wanted to let you know that you are really BEAUTIFUL!!! You have an amazing smile, but it’s the happiness, fun and joy that you project in this picture that stands out.

You are the first Asian woman that I know that loves the NBA. Don’t worry about being stubborn or inflexible. Usually people who succeed are the ones that get the job done. So I have a good plan for the boston terrier if you really want him.



I have worked and lived in Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, China, Panama, Venezuela and other countries. It’s just so nice to enjoy authentic food, learn things in their culture, and try different things! 


I would really like to get to know you. Good people deserve to have good friends and I would love to enjoy great and not so great moments with you, but we’ll enjoy them as they come.

Have a great night! Let me know if I can keep on talking to you, I hope you do because you really seem special. 
”

———————- 

Now how ‘bout that?! This is the nicest e-mail that I’ve received on the site. And he’s 32, which makes me think… while age really is ‘just a number’, guys don’t reach ‘full’ maturity (if ever), until they’re at least maybe 30? Age as an indicator of maturity is the general rule because age equals experience, and experience equals growth and maturation. 

Insight #1: Guys 29-33 in my age range would probably be a good match for a long-term relationship because they’re looking to settle down.

Insight #2: Guys 24-28 in my age range would be good guys to hang out with as friends first but with potential for possibly more at a later date.

Insight #3: (Most) Guys 23 and below have NO IDEA what they’re doing in life or with girls. Avoid them like the plague.

———————- 

Okay, but seriously, those e-mails don’t generally reflect the majority of the nice e-mails I received. You have to admit, though, that selection is pretty ridiculous and hilarious or ridiculously hilarious! Bwahahaha! 

You’re probably wondering why I joined match.com in the first place…

1) I had a messy ‘break-up’ with my unofficial long-distance guy. I was wallowing in self-pity, so I decided to get myself together and explore online dating’s potential. 

2) I really wanted to make guy friends (less drama, shared interests). Most of my friends in town are girls, and they’re too busy hanging out with their significant others. Plus, my current job didn’t allow me to socialize with anyone my age, so I figured I had nothing to lose! Obviously, it’d be great if I found someone I really clicked with, but at the very least I could meet some new people and make some cool friends. 

3) I never ‘dated around’ in high school or college. And my cutie (gay best friend) had a point: “Christine, how much are you paying for the subscription? … Oh really? You’ll more than make up your money.” (Lets not get anything twisted. I’m NOT a gold digger in the slightest, and many times I offered to pay for my meal. But it was very nice being treated like a lady!)

———————- 

All in all, online dating through match.com has been a pretty positive experience. The online medium allowed me to meet a lot of different yet cool and professional guys whom I would’ve never met otherwise. None of the dates were terrible, except for a couple with the same guy who just made them awkward.

• Why would I go on a second date with him? Good question. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After all, some people don’t make a great first impression. On the first date, he asked if my parents would have a problem with his race if they met him. First off, who does he think he is assuming he’ll meet my parents?? He also messaged me every detail of his last relationships. On the second date, he insisted that on the count of five, we hold up the number of fingers that represent the number of years in which we want to get married. Creepster.

I ended up telling a lot of the guys whom I still keep in contact with (or new ones who contact me) that I’m looking to move abroad. Most of them are cool with it, and the new ones still want to meet and hang out. So it’s perfect for me. I get to meet cool guys and gain new friends, which is what I wanted to do in the first place.

Now if I really wanted to settle down, I’d join eHarmony. I think eHarmony does exactly what they say they do: match two people on very important issues and personality types. But I won’t be ready to seriously consider that site for at least another few to five years.

Lew

One of my best friends asked me what I thought about her long-term relationship, and I was very honest, but tactful, as a best friend should be. In thinking about what I want now or in a future relationship from my various, different, but somewhat limited experiences, I’ve come up with a few questions that I ask myself (all, more or less, equally important, so they’re in no particular order):

——-

1) Does he have the ‘basics’ in place? Does he have my Top 3, 5, or 10 qualities that are absolute must haves? (Does he have a quality that I absolutely dislike? ie. extremely messiness / dirtiness… If so, it might be a deal breaker!)

2) When I’m with him, do I always feel like I can be myself?

3) Do I like who I am when I’m with him? Does he encourage me to be a better version of myself? Can I learn and grow from him? (Can he learn and grow from me?)

4) Does he believe I can do anything? Does he support and encourage my dreams? Is he excited for me?

5) In 2, 3, and 5 years out, is he involved in my hobbies? Do we like a lot of the same things (interests, activities etc.)? Will we be able to hang out as best friends over the weekend?

6) Do we have the same values, political beliefs, religious beliefs etc.? (If not, is it going to be a big issue?)

7) Have we had discussions about finances (loans, mortgages) and child rearing (education, religion, activities)? 

8) Does he get along with my family? Do I get along with his family?

9) Do we communicate well? Can we set aside our differences / pride and sacrifice for the other?

10) How does he handle conflict and change?

11) Do I feel like he’s going through the motions as a significant other, like saying all the ‘right’ things because he’s supposed to? Or is everything he does for me an act of genuine care and concern?

——-

There’s one guy that I’ve always liked ever since I met him. I loved who I was when we spent time together because I could always be myself - the best version of myself. We could talk about anything and everything, and if we did ever stop talking, it was never awkward. We could be in the same room and go about our business from a quiet confidence in each others’ existence. When we hung out, he was always super thoughtful and caring, sharing what he had with me (food, stories etc). I met his family, and I’m pretty sure they liked me! LOL. Most importantly, he believed I could do anything. I don’t think he knows that I’ve always had the biggest crush on him…

Anyway, the list is not completely exhaustive, but it’s a good starting place to evaluate whether or not your long-term relationship or future (long-term) relationship will lead to a lasting partnership. Of course, to get someone amazing, you, yourself, have to either give first or reciprocate - you can’t just take, take, take!

Lew

It’s been a while since I’ve been involved with anyone, actually a long while, and most of that time had been on purpose, so I could pursue other opportunities. During a brief lull in my jam-packed life, something just crept up on me. And even though it didn’t work out, I learned a lot.

1) Long distance can work if both parties are 100% on board.

For months, we talked every single day either by phone, text, and skype (or some combination). If both people are invested in communicating and sharing their lives, even the most mundane stuff, a relationship can flourish.

2) Communication is extremely important.

I always say, “I’m not a mindreader, so if you want me to know something, you’re going to have to tell me.” And that works both ways. I was pretty vocal about my needs and wants. Good feedback I received: He always knew what to expect from me. In fact, good communication on both of our ends, for the most part, kept us together for as long as it did. (He lived on the West Coast while I was back home.)

3) You have to pursue each others’ interests - not operate individually in a relationship of two. 

It was always understood that he’d do what was best for him. And I’d do what was best for me. The problem is that when you pursue your own interests, there’s no room for a we or us; there’s just a you and I who function independently. At some point in time, someone has to give a little, then the other has to reciprocate as well.

4) You have to enter in with the same expectations. And perhaps step back and pull out when you sense hesitancy.

5) Guys who really like you, like head-over-heels-for-you-like you, will do just about anything for you - like crazy stuff. If they like you, doing stuff for you won’t seem like a chore - they’ll want to do it. 

He told me all the wonderful stuff he did for his past couple of girlfriends. Throughout us talking, I’m 99.9% positive I wasn’t getting a fraction of the stuff I knew he was capable of giving (not just monetary gifts, but thoughtful, creative gifts). I knew in my heart that I’d never be on the receiving end. Yet, I do believe that guys, when they really like a girl, will do crazy stuff for her, and love doing those things, too. He just has to think she’s ‘it’ and ‘special’.

6) I’m capable of deeply loving and caring for someone, and one day, I’ll have a lasting, crazy, stupid, love for someone. And I’m hopeful someone will reciprocate that affection.

I really loved him. Not the in-love-with-him, want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-him love, but a kind of love that really cared about his well-being. He was my best friend for a while. I wanted to be a part of his life, and I wanted him to be a part of my life. And when things fizzled out, my heart broke, for the first time ever.

7) Don’t give your heart to someone who doesn’t reciprocate.

You love because you want to, not because you expect anything in return. However, when it’s more one-sided, it drains you, and it’s simply not sustainable. You can’t have a relationship by yourself.

In all of my past experiences, I gave more than I received. Guys came back with apologies saying they were sorry for having taken me for granted when I was so good to them. I’m still trying to figure out a way to not necessarily ‘take more’ - that’s not really me - but not accept bare minimum effort or something significantly less than what I’m giving or something less than I deserve… Something along those lines.

8) Someone’s past most certainly affects their present and future.

I don’t know what happened between him and his ex. I didn’t ask, and I honestly don’t care to know. It’s none of my business. But I do think that he must’ve been really hurt, which made him overly cautious with me or whoever came next, for that matter. If my analysis is true, it’s a good lesson for me moving forward. Everyone gets hurt, but you can’t close yourself off to the possibility of something great with someone else. (Even if my speculation isn’t true, it’s still a good lesson!)

9) Walls don’t come down unless they take them down. And guess what? You shouldn’t have to go through or climb over one. If they’re not letting you in, you won’t get in.

See above and below.

10) I’m worth a whole bunch.

For a good while, a lot of me felt inadequate. I felt like I was trying to convince him of my worth, and it felt like running on a treadmill, and I’d never be able to get off. Through it all, I realized I could only be myself, no more, no less. 

11) If you haven’t labeled anything—if he’s not your boyfriend, and you’re not his girlfriend—then you can’t expect anything.

I think a lot of my feelings of inadequacy stemmed from being insecure with what we were. I remember asking myself, “How much longer before he actually commits? Is he ever going to commit? It’s already been a few, four, five months!” We never defined anything. People, especially women, like feeling secure. You’ll always feel insecure if you don’t know where you stand, whether labeled or unlabeled. And it’s hard to expect anything when you don’t even know what you are.

12) You can’t depend on someone to make you happy; you have to be happy being alone until you no longer have to be alone.

For whatever reason(s), things don’t always work out. When we were hanging out, I was really, really happy. When it ended, I wasn’t bitter or angry, but rather really sad and hurt. I know those feelings aren’t going to last forever. I’ve been single for 25 years, and I’ve done a pretty good job of taking care of myself. And one day, I will be happy being with someone. But for now, I can be happy on my own.

13) The ultimate realization: If a guy really, truly likes you, he’ll make it happen; y’all will be together. 

I think a lot of girls ask themselves, “Was it me? Was it something I did wrong? What could I have done differently?” While it is always advisable to work on yourself, to better yourself, to change because you want to; the real truth is that he didn’t change for you because he just wasn’t that into you. And there probably wasn’t anything you could’ve done differently to have made him like you (more/better/mo better) either. I hate to be blunt, but guys are never too busy to get what they want. They find it very satisfying to get something they want. If he’s already gone, you have your answer. Even if he’s not ‘gone’, the solution is still the same. It’s in your best interest to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move on. 

—-

I think the overall experience was good. I certainly learned a lot about myself and how I want to move forward. However, I don’t think it was completely necessary. Like, not having the experience wouldn’t have necessarily prevented me from having a subsequent successful relationship.

I’m proud of myself for trying, though, allowing myself to feel and open up to someone. I just have to be careful moving forward, but not too careful.

Lew

With Valentine’s Day, or Happy Singles’ Awareness Day, fast approaching, I felt compelled to address some “love” related issue in this week’s post. I wrestled between writing about this and sex, and I decided this topic would be the better option. Because with the latter, people would read my prudish arguments, and probably want to burn me at the stake or at least send me hate (e-)mail. So rather than incur ridicule - save it for another day, people! - lets have a mature, frank, and introspective conversation, and I’ll spare you the birds and bees speech. Ca-peesh?

With the departure of my friend to Shanghai, where she teaches English - I told you my friends were bad-asses - I picked up her gift, “Girls in Trucks,” which she saved from the Half Price book bin just in the nick of time. Reading through the book, I felt immense pity for the protagonist. IMHO, she’s confused, insecure, and self-destructive. She lets one of her boyfriends physically and mentally abuse her - huh?!??! - until she feels numb, used, empty, and all washed-up from her long list of crazed escapades. Her older sister who used to protect her from guys, remarks, “No offense, but what’s left to protect?” Ouch.

I’m not judging this fictional character or her decisions. (She kind of gets her fairytale ending…? Although she goes through A LOT of heartache in 35 years.) However, I am exercising judgment, which is defined as: “the ability to come to sensible conclusions.” I think any rational person would agree that self-destructive behavior is not beneficial to the individual (“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”). I also think it’s fair to say that everyone wants to be in a happy and healthy relationship.

What’s the key to a happy and healthy relationship? The answer is simpler than you think: It’s a happy and healthy YOU.

Now I’m not telling you anything you haven’t heard before - I’m just the white figure standing on your left shoulder, pleading with you to do the right thing: to love yourself. And if that’s not working, here’s some tough love, which, I, btw, told myself: “Get your sh*t together because ain’t nobody gonna love and respect you if you don’t love and respect yourself first!”

“But, Christine, I don’t really know what else to do other than what I’m doing now.” I think the answer lies in knowing what you want, then living your life with passion and purpose (coupled with good-decision making / making your own luck).

If you’re 1) insecure and jealous, 2) have no life direction / interests / hobbies, or 3) relying on someone to complete you and make you whole, you are setting yourself up for disaster. However, if you’ve got goals, love life, accept / love / respect yourself, if you’re learning, growing, bettering yourself, and adding to this world, not only are you (blossoming into) a healthy individual, but you’re EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE. Everyone will be lining up to date you. That’s a guarantee.

Still not convinced? Another side effect of loving and respecting yourself, besides gaining self-confidence and positive self-image, is that you won’t accept anything less than what you think you deserve. In turn, this attitude will cue others / your significant other to treat you equally well.

By no means am I a relationship expert - I have yet to have one serious / long-term relationship - however, I am smart enough to learn from my mistakes in my “faux” relationships as well as from my friends’ mistakes. It’s taken me almost 25 years - AHH! I’ll be in my mid-20s in two and a half months! - to amass some “wisdom.”

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married, it is time for redemption and reclaiming your dignity. A healthy person + another healthy person = a possibility of a healthy relationship. Anything else before the equal sign will most likely be detrimental to you (and your significant other) and end in grief.

Your job? Get out there and start doing what you love and believe that someone will come along. Being the person you want to be will attract the kind of person you want to be with. Or, if you’re already in a relationship, working on yourself will only strengthen the relationship - your relationship will flourish, just like those pretty flowers you’re set to receive in two days.

Lew

Upon leaving Hawai’i in June 2011, my yoga instructor asked me to make three lists. The first list of what I want in a man; the second list of what I want out of (my) life; and the third list of what I want to learn.

As I reflected on my past and pondered about my future, I finally completed my lists and proudly emailed her my PDF document: List #1: <50 items; List #2: 20 items; List #3: 15 items. This was her response to me:

“Well, I must admit you did way better with that than anyone before. It appears that you have things well thought out. Personally I believe that all that you asked for was reasonable or shall we say fair, but since when has love and life been fair? Now print them and keep them with you… and for the sake of the process shorten your man list to 25!”

Your protest to me (besides the obvious ‘Your man list consists of 40+ items?!’):

“Lew, I don’t know about all this list-making. That may work for you, but it doesn’t work for me. I’m not a planner, never have been, never will be.” Okay, that’s fine, I get it. I understand not everyone is a super detail-oriented, planner/lister, control freak, crazy person like me.

But here’s why knowing what you want is extremely important: Having a clear vision for your life points you in the right direction.

• If you don’t know what you want, how do you know where you’re going?
• If you don’t know where you’re going, how do you know what steps to take to get to wherever it is you’re supposed to be going?

If you don’t know what you want, the result is wandering around in life aimlessly and listlessly (no pun intended, well maybe slight pun intended… LOL) and existing without purpose.

Which then warrants this…

That was my daily expression to my former students after they strolled in late or their pants sagged below their butts or they ‘forgot’ to do their homework or attempted to hook me up with their fathers, siblings, and/or cousins. (True story.)

———-

My point: KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT PUTS YOU ON THE RIGHT TRACK TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.

Here are a few personal examples from my life (as well as some from my friends’ lives):

In high school I knew I wanted to get into the best college / program possible. Senior year, I took 6 AP classes, held leadership positions in various clubs, and worked on my art portfolio in my spare time, sacrificing my HS experience for the promise of a better future. I finished at the top of my class, and I got into UT Austin’s business school.

No surprise, I wanted more - I needed to get into the Business Honors Program. Why? Because BHP students get offered the best positions from recruiters upon graduation. (And because the Business Honors Program is ‘exclusive. And fun. And leads to a better life’.) The only problem was that transferring into the BHP was extremely difficult. In 2005, the year prior to me applying as a sophomore admit, only 1 out of every 4 to 5 students was accepted out of a very competitive applicant pool. The average admitted GPA was above a 3.9, which meant that you could only get one B your freshman year.

As the second semester of my freshman year rolled around, I knew I had already made a B in a meaningless (fake) biology class (the difference between my A and B was ONE test question!), so I couldn’t afford another B on my record. Yet I was dangerously close to getting a B in math (which I ironically taught for two years). But the questions were tricky, and I needed a perfect 100 on my final exam to get an A in the class and a 4.0 for the semester.

What did I do? I decided to somehow make the impossible possible. (If Ethan Hunt could, why couldn’t I? I should send him my contact information - maybe the IMF will recruit me.) Here’s what I did (rocket science, I know):

• I sat in the front.
• I went to every single lecture.
• I answered all the questions in class (despite my classmates’ annoyance).
• I did all the homework problems.
• I asked classmates for help (…well, the ones who didn’t hate me).
• I went to office hours to verify all the answers and made it known to the professor that I needed an A in her class to get into the Business Honors Program.
• I also told my academic adviser about my huge interest to get into the Business Honors Program. (Little did I know that he told my former BHP adviser about me.)

I remember several weekend nights, while everyone was partying, I holed myself up in the business school study rooms (like a loser) redoing every. damn. question. In the end, my determination and hard work paid off. I got exactly what I needed on the exam to get an A in the class. I got a 4.0 for the semester and finished with a magical 3.9+ for the year.

Oh, and I got into the Business Honors Program.

So what’s the point of this story? Knowing what you want directs your actions; therefore, you will take all the necessary steps to be where you want to be or go where you want to go. But the first steps are knowing what you want and knowing why what you want is important to you.

———-

But enough about me - meet a few of my friends! (They’re real people, just like you! They’re pretty awesome-tastic, too!)

I met one of my best guy friends while we were both Resident Assistants in college. He had always wandered around with no real direction or ambition. After college, however, he finally figured out what he wanted to do with his life. He wants to hold a political office one day. Thus, he joined the military to gain invaluable experience and network with colleagues, and he’s going to use his educational award to attend law school, both of which will give him the perfect background for political office to institute change in public policy.

I have a good girl friend with whom I studied abroad and traveled around Europe with, who got promoted a year early at a big four accounting firm because, of course, she’s a baller - duh! She’s always had a passion for traveling, meeting people, and experiencing new things. By the time she’s 30, she wants to live and work in Australia for a few years. She has been offered a job in London, but she turned it down, and is waiting for an opportunity to go to Sydney. In the meantime, she’s ‘kicking ass and taking names.’ (And dreaming about a hot Australian surfer…)

One of my good guy friends is aspiring to be the best father he can be, doing all of the opposite things he saw growing up as a child. He makes all of his decisions based on his goal. If it helps him further his goal he does it, and if it doesn’t, he doesn’t do it. Because he also wants a great family, he’s also extremely selective about the girl(s) he dates. (Yes, ladies, he’s single. But I warn you, his list is almost as extensive as mine!)

Another one of my good girl friends knew that she wanted to help the less privileged ‘on the front line,’ so to speak. She spent a year doing Americorps’ Habitat For Humanity - what she would describe as ‘character building’ - and from that experience, landed her dream job at TOMS Shoes. She deals with NGOs and travels to South America, Asia, and Africa on a regular basis helping put shoes on children who would have gotten sick without them.

My cutie wanted to buy / own property sometime in his mid-20s. Growing up, his mother was never able to afford a house for him and his brother. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he bought a condo, and he’s now renovating it. (Apparently toilets are ludicrously expensive!)

My last example is of my dear high school friend. She always knew she wanted to go to medical school, but along the way, she experienced setbacks. She decided to go to grad school and work at a children’s summer program to add more experience to her resume. Even though she started a few years later than originally planned, she’s now in medical school with a scholarship. Now she can continue to help people (and hopefully deliver my baby when the time comes)!

———-

Just about everything you do should be to accomplish some greater goal, so that you don’t drift through life existing instead of really living out your dreams.

Knowing what you want helps you focus on where to go and how to get there.

Spend some time thinking about what you really want and why it’s important because in my next post, I’ll show you how to get what you want* through effective goal-setting.

Lew

*Next up: filling that empty space with HOW to get what you want once you KNOW.